Empathy and Boundaries: How to Understand Behaviour Without Accepting Harm

Someone you care about is distressed. You can understand why. Then they raise their voice, say something hurtful, ignore a limit or use behaviour that affects the safety and wellbeing of other people.

This is where empathy can feel confusing. If we hold the boundary, are we being uncaring? If we understand the reason for the behaviour, are we excusing it? If we say no, will the person feel rejected?

The short answer is that empathy and boundaries can—and often need to—exist together. Empathy helps us understand what a person may be experiencing. A healthy boundary makes clear what is safe, respectful, available or possible. We can acknowledge an emotion without approving every behaviour, offer support without taking over another person’s responsibility, and care deeply without abandoning our own safety or capacity.

A simple response might sound like this:

“I can understand that you are overwhelmed, and hitting is still not safe. I am going to step back now. When it is safe, I will help you work out another way to show me what you need.”

The empathy is in the understanding. The boundary is in the clarity. The support is in what happens next.

At FABIC, this begins with separating the person from the behaviour. A person is not bad, difficult or unworthy because of something they do. At the same time, seeing the person for who they are does not require us to ignore the impact of their behaviour. It allows us to address that behaviour without judgement or shame while looking for the reason, support and skills that could make a different response possible.

What Is the Relationship Between Empathy and Boundaries?

Empathy is the attempt to understand another person’s perspective and emotional experience while remembering that their experience belongs to them, not to us.

A boundary is a clear limit or guideline that identifies what we are comfortable with, responsible for, available for or willing to participate in. In families, schools, workplaces and support settings, boundaries can also include agreed expectations that protect safety, dignity, privacy and participation.

They answer different questions:

Empathy without boundaries can drift into rescuing, overextending ourselves or removing every difficult experience before the person has an opportunity to build skills. Boundaries without empathy can become rigid, punitive or focused only on stopping visible behaviour. Together, empathy and boundaries support both dignity and responsibility.

A Note on Empathy and Understanding in the FABIC Approach

The word empathy is used in different ways. In common psychological language, it often means attempting to understand another person’s perspective and communicate that understanding without losing the distinction between their experience and our own. For a fuller exploration, read What Is Empathy, and How Do We Increase Our Own Empathy?

Some FABIC resources distinguish understanding from empathy and sympathy when those responses involve feeling sorry for someone, shielding them from every challenge or trying to pull them out of a life lesson. In that context, understanding means recognising that the experience may be extremely difficult while still holding confidence in the person’s capacity to develop the skills to respond to it.

In this article, empathy refers to curious, non-judgemental understanding—not pity, rescuing or taking over. This reflects a consistent theme across FABIC clinician interviews: see the person clearly, accept that the visible story may be incomplete, do not add an unnecessary emotional load, and support the person without removing their choice, responsibility or opportunity to grow.

What Is a Healthy Boundary?

A healthy boundary is clear, respectful, proportionate and possible to follow. It is not designed to humiliate, frighten or control another person. It protects something that matters and helps people understand what will happen.

Boundaries may relate to:

• Physical safety and personal space: who can touch us, how close someone can stand, and what we will do if behaviour becomes unsafe
• Communication: whether we will continue a conversation involving threats, insults, shouting or repeated interruption
• Time and availability: when a parent, friend, clinician or support worker is available and how urgent needs should be communicated
• Privacy and property: what information is private, which belongings may be used and how consent is requested
• Roles and responsibilities: what we can appropriately help with and what sits outside our role, training or capacity
• Family, classroom or workplace expectations: the predictable guidelines that help people share a space and participate safely
• Emotional capacity: when we need a pause, additional support or a different time to continue a difficult conversation

FABIC describes healthy boundaries as guidelines that support safety, development and learning. They do not always need to remain fixed. As a person builds skills, demonstrates responsibility and develops independence, some boundaries can expand. You can read more in FABIC’s resource, How Do I Set Better Boundaries?

This makes a boundary different from a rule imposed simply because “I said so”. A useful boundary has a reason, is communicated in a way the person can understand, and is reviewed as circumstances and capacity change.

What Empathy Does Not Require

Many people avoid setting boundaries because they believe empathy requires them to remain endlessly available, prevent all distress or accept any behaviour. It does not.

• Empathy is not agreement. You can understand why someone sees a situation differently without changing your own view.
• Empathy is not approval. Understanding why harm occurred does not make the harm acceptable.
• Empathy is not instant forgiveness. Understanding and rebuilding trust are different processes.
• Empathy is not staying in an unsafe interaction. You can care about someone and move yourself or others to safety.
• Empathy is not solving every problem. Sometimes support means helping a person identify options and build their own skills.
• Empathy is not being available at all times. Rest, role clarity and predictable availability support more sustainable care.
• Empathy is not absorbing another person’s emotion. We can be present with distress without carrying it as though it is ours.
• Empathy is not removing every consequence. A person can be supported to understand and respond to the outcome of their behaviour without shame or punishment.

It is possible to say, “I care about what is happening for you,” and, “I cannot continue in this way,” in the same conversation.

What a Boundary Is Not

The word boundary is sometimes used for anything one person wants another person to do. That can make the concept confusing.

A healthy boundary is not:

• a demand that another person stop having a feeling
• a threat designed to frighten someone into compliance
• the silent treatment, withdrawal of affection or humiliation
• a punishment delivered in anger
• a way to control another adult’s lawful personal choices
• an excuse to ignore disability, communication needs, trauma, pain or sensory overload
• a rigid rule that can never be reconsidered
• a clinical or restrictive intervention disguised with gentler language

A personal boundary is usually strongest when it focuses on what we will do, because our own response is the part we can control.

Control: “You are not allowed to be angry with me.”

Boundary: “You can be angry. I will not continue the conversation while I am being threatened. I will step away and check back when it is safer.”

Parents, teachers, employers and support services may also need clear rules or safety expectations. These should be lawful, appropriate to the person’s age and role, communicated accessibly, and paired with the support needed to meet them.

Why Understanding Behaviour Makes Boundaries More Effective

When a boundary is repeatedly crossed, it is tempting to conclude that the person does not care, is deliberately difficult or simply needs a firmer consequence. Sometimes a person may knowingly test a limit. But repetition can also indicate that something has not yet been understood or taught.

The person may:

• not understand the boundary or the language used to explain it
• lack a reliable alternative behaviour or communication method
• be unable to access the relevant skill when overwhelmed
• experience the expectation as unpredictable or inconsistent
• be responding to pain, fatigue, sensory input, fear or another unmet need
• receive different responses from different people
• have learned that escalation is the most effective available way to communicate or escape a difficult situation

Understanding these possibilities does not erase the boundary. It helps us decide what else is required.

For example, telling someone “use respectful language” may be too vague. They may need to learn a specific replacement such as, “I disagree,” “I need a break,” “Please stop,” or an equivalent sign, symbol, gesture or AAC message. A person who repeatedly enters a room without knocking may need a visual reminder, modelling and practice—not a label about being disrespectful.

This aligns with the FABIC Body Life Skills Program: notice what the BODY is communicating, identify the part of LIFE the person does not yet feel equipped to respond to, and build the SKILLS that support a more effective behaviour.

How to Set a Boundary With Empathy

There is no single script for every relationship or situation. The person’s age, communication, culture, disability, history, current capacity and level of risk all matter. The steps below provide a practical structure that can be adapted.

1. Settle Your Own Body First

Before setting a boundary, notice what is happening in you. Are you frightened, angry, guilty, exhausted or preparing to win an argument? Is your voice becoming louder? Are you about to set a limit you cannot realistically maintain?

A pause can help you choose a clear response instead of delivering a threat in reaction. Lower your voice, slow your breathing, ask for support or take space if it is safe to do so.

Across FABIC clinician interviews, self-awareness and self-care repeatedly appeared as foundations for empathy. When our own capacity is depleted, we are more likely to see only the behaviour that is pressing our buttons. Supporting our state does not make the interaction about us; it helps us respond more steadily.

2. Describe the Behaviour Without Defining the Person

Use observable language. “You called me three names and stood in front of the door” gives useful information. “You are abusive and impossible” turns the behaviour into the person’s identity.

The FABIC ethos is to meet each person for who they are, not what they do. We can be direct about a behaviour and its impact without labelling or shaming the person.

3. Become Curious Before Assuming the Reason

Ask, where possible:

• What happened before this?
• What might the person be trying to communicate, access or avoid?
• What expectation, change or interaction may have felt difficult?
• Is there pain, fatigue, hunger, sensory overload or a communication barrier?
• What skill might be missing or hard to access in this moment?

Curiosity does not require you to postpone an urgent safety response. It means you do not confuse your first interpretation with a confirmed explanation.

4. Identify What the Boundary Is Protecting

A clear reason makes a boundary easier to communicate and review. Is it protecting physical safety, sleep, privacy, another person’s consent, your professional role, the needs of other children, or your capacity to remain respectful?

If the purpose is unclear, the boundary may be more about reducing your discomfort or controlling an outcome than protecting a genuine need. That does not automatically make it wrong, but it is worth examining.

5. Make the Boundary Specific and Observable

“Be good”, “show respect” and “fix your attitude” do not tell a person what behaviour is expected. Say what the boundary means in practical terms.

• “We can disagree without calling each other names.”
• “Please ask before using my phone.”
• “I can speak with you until 4 pm. After that, I will respond on the next business day.”
• “You can say no to a hug. You can offer a wave or high-five instead if you want to.”
• “It is okay to be angry. It is not okay to hit.”

Use the fewest words needed. A boundary becomes harder to hear when it is buried inside a long lecture.

6. Acknowledge the Experience Without Changing the Limit

Validation means recognising what the situation may be like for the person. It does not mean agreeing with every interpretation or granting every request.

• “You wanted more time, and stopping is disappointing. Screen time is finished for tonight.”
• “The change was sudden and I can see you were not ready. We still need to leave. Let’s choose what will make the transition easier.”
• “I understand that you want an answer now. I do not have capacity to discuss this safely tonight. I can talk tomorrow at 10 am.”

The word “and” is often more useful than “but”. “I understand, but…” can make the understanding sound as though it is being cancelled. “I understand, and…” allows both truths to remain.

7. Say What You Will Do and What Support Is Available

A boundary needs an action that is safe, proportionate and within your control.

Try this four-part structure:

1. Acknowledge: “I can see that you are angry.”
2. State the boundary: “I will not stay in the room while objects are being thrown.”
3. Explain your action: “I am moving back and giving you space.”
4. Offer the next step: “When it is safe, I can listen, or you can show me using your communication board.”

The available support matters. A limit without an alternative can leave a person knowing only what not to do.

8. Match the Communication to the Person’s Capacity

Use direct language, visuals, gesture, writing, social narratives or AAC where helpful. Allow processing time. Check understanding without demanding eye contact or a verbal explanation.

A boundary that can be understood while settled may be impossible to process during dysregulation. At the peak of distress, prioritise safety, reduce language and avoid debate. The fuller conversation, reflection and teaching can happen when capacity returns.

FABIC’s article To Respond or to React? further explores the importance of noticing our own state and choosing a response instead of being pulled into reaction.

9. Follow Through Calmly and Consistently

If you say you will pause a conversation when threats begin, pause it. If a family rule says devices are charged outside bedrooms overnight, apply the agreed routine consistently rather than only when an adult is already angry.

Consistency does not mean responding mechanically. Circumstances change, and safety may require flexibility. It means the core expectation and purpose are predictable enough for the person to learn from them.

10. Revisit, Repair and Teach

After the moment, return without shame. Ask what happened, what the person understood, what was difficult and what could help next time. Acknowledge your own behaviour if you became reactive or unclear.

Then practise the alternative while everyone is settled. The goal is not merely to enforce a limit. It is to help the person develop the communication, regulation, problem-solving or daily living skill that makes the boundary easier to meet.

Examples of Empathy and Boundaries in Everyday Language

The following examples are starting points, not scripts to use word for word. Adapt them to the person, relationship, communication method and situation.

Each response does three things: it recognises the experience, keeps the limit clear and identifies a safer or more workable next step.

Empathy and Boundaries When Someone Is Dysregulated

Boundaries still matter during dysregulation, especially when there is a risk of harm. What changes is the way they are communicated.

A highly dysregulated person may have reduced capacity to process language, consider another perspective, remember a rule or generate an alternative. This is not the time for a long explanation about why the boundary is fair.

In the immediate moment:

• settle your own body and voice as much as possible
• use short, concrete phrases
• state only the safety boundary that is needed now
• reduce avoidable demands and sensory input
• give appropriate physical space
• follow any established behaviour support, crisis or safety plan
• move yourself or others to safety where necessary
• wait to teach, problem-solve or discuss consequences until capacity has returned

For example: “I will not let anyone be hit. I am moving back. We will talk later.”

This is not “giving in”. It is choosing the right task for the moment. During the peak, the task is safety and reduced pressure. Later, the task is understanding, responsibility, repair and skill-building.

Empathy, Boundaries and Children

Children need warmth and guidance. A child becoming disappointed, frustrated or angry does not automatically mean a boundary is harmful. Those emotions can be supported without removing every limit.

Helpful boundaries for children are generally:

• connected to safety, wellbeing or shared family needs
• appropriate to the child’s age and development
• stated positively where possible—for example, “hands stay with your own body”
• few enough to remember
• explained and practised when the child is settled
• supported with routines, visuals, reminders and adult modelling
• consistent across the adults involved
• reviewed as the child builds skills and responsibility

Consider a child who stays on a device late into the night and then struggles to wake, learn or regulate the next day. Empathy recognises how absorbing the activity is and how hard stopping can feel. The boundary protects sleep and daytime participation. Skill-building may include a visual countdown, an agreed finishing point, charging the device outside the bedroom, a predictable bedtime routine and support to tolerate the transition.

The boundary is more useful when it teaches what to do—not only what to stop.

The Raising Children Network similarly recommends clear rules that state expected behaviour and, where possible, involving family members in understanding why the rules matter. It also cautions against treating stimming or a meltdown as misconduct requiring a negative consequence.

Supporting the child and supporting the adults are both important. Tired or overwhelmed parents may need practical help, a shared plan and space for their own wellbeing—not blame for finding consistency difficult.

Empathy and Boundaries in Autism and Disability Support

People with disability have the same rights to consent, privacy, choice, control, bodily autonomy and respectful relationships as anyone else. They also have the right to set boundaries of their own.

When supporting an autistic person or someone with communication, sensory, cognitive or intellectual disability needs:

• use the person’s preferred communication method
• make expectations direct, concrete and accessible
• allow processing time and avoid repeating the same instruction rapidly
• use visuals, demonstrations or rehearsal where helpful
• distinguish inability, overload or lack of understanding from unwillingness
• do not require eye contact, speech, stillness or a conventional emotional display as proof of respect
• identify reasonable environmental or sensory adjustments
• involve the person in decisions and review what works from their perspective
• respect adult autonomy rather than applying child-focused rules to an adult

An accommodation is not the absence of a boundary. Reducing noise, using AAC, offering extra processing time or changing how a task is presented can help the person meet the underlying expectation more successfully.

Are Boundaries the Same as Restrictive Practices?

No. A personal or professional boundary is not automatically a restrictive practice. A worker declining to share their private phone number, for example, is maintaining role clarity.

However, calling something a “boundary” does not remove its legal or ethical implications. Under the NDIS, an intervention that restricts the rights or freedom of movement of a person with disability may be a restrictive practice. Regulated restrictive practices include seclusion and chemical, mechanical, physical and environmental restraint.

The NDIS Quality and Safeguards Commission requires regulated restrictive practices to be subject to specific safeguards and supports their reduction and elimination. NDIS providers and workers should not introduce restrictions casually or use “setting a boundary” as a substitute for appropriate assessment, authorisation, documentation and oversight.

If a support strategy may restrict a person’s movement, access, rights or choices, seek advice from a qualified behaviour support practitioner and follow all relevant NDIS, state or territory requirements.

How Boundaries Protect Empathy From Becoming Overwhelm

Caring deeply does not make anyone’s capacity unlimited. Parents, partners, carers, support workers and clinicians may begin with the intention to help and gradually become responsible for more than they can safely sustain.

Signs that boundaries may need attention include:

• saying yes mainly because you feel guilty or fear the person’s reaction
• being available at all hours without an agreed reason or plan
• regularly doing tasks the person could be supported to learn
• neglecting sleep, health, other relationships or professional responsibilities
• feeling resentful while continuing to agree
• believing you alone are responsible for another person’s progress or emotional state
• moving beyond your role, competence or training because you do not want to disappoint someone
• carrying distress long after the interaction has ended

These signs do not mean you lack empathy. They may mean the current way of helping is not sustainable.

One clinician in the FABIC interviews described self-care as the foundation that makes calm, curious support possible. Another emphasised the discipline of not adding more emotion to a person whose “cup” is already full. Both insights point to the same idea: useful empathy requires enough steadiness to remain present without becoming consumed by the moment.

Rest, supervision, peer support, realistic availability, shared responsibility and referral when something falls outside your expertise all protect the quality of care. The Australian Psychological Society likewise describes clear professional boundaries and self-care as responsibilities that protect both clients and practitioners.

What to Do When a Boundary Is Crossed

A boundary is not a guarantee that another person will agree or immediately change their behaviour. It is a commitment to how you will respond.

1. Prioritise immediate safety. Move away, seek help or follow the person’s agreed plan where needed.
2. Keep your language brief. Repeat the boundary once rather than entering a circular argument.
3. Follow through on the stated action. Pause the call, leave the room, protect privacy or use the agreed organisational process.
4. Return when there is capacity. A boundary should not become unexplained abandonment or silent punishment.
5. Review what happened. What came before the behaviour? Was the boundary understood? Was an alternative available?
6. Teach and practise the replacement. Support the person to ask for a break, decline, disagree, request help or express anger more safely.
7. Adjust the plan if needed. Repetition may show that the expectation, communication, environment or support needs to change.

If the behaviour occurs in an NDIS or clinical support context, record what happened objectively and follow relevant incident, safeguarding and behaviour support procedures.

When Empathy Must Not Replace Safety

Understanding why a person uses violent, coercive or abusive behaviour does not make another person responsible for absorbing it. Trauma, disability, mental health concerns, intoxication, grief or dysregulation may be relevant to understanding behaviour, but they do not make violence acceptable.

If setting a boundary may increase danger, prioritise a personalised safety plan rather than confronting the person alone. In an immediate emergency in Australia, call Triple Zero (000). For confidential support relating to domestic, family or sexual violence, contact 1800RESPECT by calling 1800 737 732, texting 0458 737 732 or using its online services.

When supporting someone else who may be experiencing violence, listen without judgement, take their concerns seriously and support their choices. Do not pressure them into an action that may be unsafe.

When Professional Behaviour Support May Help

Professional support may be useful when:

• unsafe behaviour continues despite clear and consistent responses
• the reason for the behaviour remains difficult to understand
• boundaries regularly lead to aggression, self-injury, property damage, absconding or shutdown
• the person needs a more accessible communication method or replacement skill
• family members, school staff or support workers respond in very different ways
• parents, carers or workers are exhausted, frightened or unable to sustain the current approach
• a strategy may involve a restrictive practice
• behaviour is affecting relationships, learning, work, housing, community access or quality of life

A FABIC Behaviour Support Practitioner can work with the person and their support community to understand what is contributing to behaviour, identify practical strategies and build skills for lasting change. Depending on the situation, input from psychology, counselling, occupational therapy, speech pathology or a medical professional may also be helpful.

The aim is not to create more control around a person. It is to develop support that increases safety, communication, capacity, independence and choice.

Frequently Asked Questions About Empathy and Boundaries

Can You Be Empathetic and Still Say No?

Yes. Empathy recognises the person’s experience; it does not require you to grant every request. You might say, “I understand why this matters to you, and I am not able to agree to it.” A clear answer is often kinder than an uncertain yes followed by resentment or withdrawal.

Is Validation the Same as Agreement?

No. Validation communicates that an emotion or response makes sense within the person’s experience. Agreement means sharing the same conclusion or view. You can validate disappointment, fear or anger while disagreeing about what happened or what should happen next.

Does Understanding Behaviour Remove Responsibility?

No. Understanding helps us respond accurately. It may reveal that a person needs communication support, an environmental change, a new skill or a different expectation. Responsibility should be matched to the person’s age, capacity and circumstances, but understanding the reason does not require ignoring impact, repair or safety.

What If the Person Becomes Upset When I Set a Boundary?

A person’s distress does not automatically mean the boundary is wrong. Check whether the boundary is necessary, fair, accessible and proportionate. Acknowledge the emotion, keep the message clear and support the person to express disagreement safely. If the response creates significant risk, seek professional help to understand and plan for it.

Should Boundaries Always Be Consistent?

The purpose should be predictable, but the delivery may need to adapt. A person who is ill, grieving, exhausted or dysregulated may need a different level of support. Healthy boundaries can also expand as skills and responsibility develop. Consistency is not the same as rigidity.

How Do You Set a Boundary With a Non-Speaking Person?

Use the communication methods the person understands and uses, such as gesture, pictures, written words, objects, signs or AAC. Show what is expected, allow processing time and provide a way for the person to say no, ask for a break or express a need. Do not assume a lack of speech means a lack of understanding.

What If Someone Repeatedly Ignores My Boundary?

Repeat it briefly and follow through on the action within your control. Then consider whether the person understood it, had the skill to meet it and received a consistent response. Repeated boundary crossings may require a different environment, additional support, professional assessment or—in unsafe relationships—specialist safety advice.

Can a Person With Disability Set Boundaries With Their Support Workers?

Yes. People with disability have rights to privacy, dignity, consent, choice and control. They can communicate preferences about touch, personal care, communication, routines, private information and who provides support. Workers and providers must respect these rights and deliver safe, ethical services in line with the NDIS Code of Conduct.

Is a Boundary the Same as a Consequence?

Not exactly. A boundary describes a limit and often the action you will take to maintain it. A consequence is an outcome that follows behaviour. Some consequences occur naturally; others are planned to support learning or safety. They should be proportionate, related to the behaviour and focused on teaching—not humiliation, revenge or emotional withdrawal.

Can Boundaries Improve a Relationship?

Yes. Clear boundaries can reduce guessing, resentment and inconsistent responses. They help people know what is expected, what support is available and how concerns can be raised. Boundaries do not guarantee comfort, but respectful clarity can create more trust and predictability over time.

A Final Thought: Warmth and Clarity Belong Together

Empathy and boundaries are not opposing choices. Empathy says, “I want to understand what this is like for you.” A boundary says, “This is what needs to remain safe, respectful and workable.” Skill-building says, “Let’s find another way forward.”

We do not have to choose between seeing the person and addressing the behaviour. We can do both.

We can listen without losing ourselves. We can say no without judgement. We can hold someone responsible without turning a difficult behaviour into their identity. And we can offer support without taking away their opportunity to build capacity, make choices and create lasting change.

Understand the person. Be clear about the boundary. Support the next skill.

Would You Like Help Understanding Behaviour and Setting Effective Boundaries?

If behaviour is affecting safety, relationships, learning, independence or everyday life, FABIC’s multidisciplinary team can help. We work with individuals, families and support communities to understand what sits beneath behaviour and develop practical, person-centred strategies for lasting change.

Learn more about FABIC Behaviour Support Practitioner services or use the booking link below to discuss the most appropriate next step.

General information only: This article is educational and does not replace individual medical, psychological, legal, crisis or behaviour support advice. Follow any current professional plan developed for the person. If there is an immediate risk of serious harm or a medical emergency, call Triple Zero (000).

References and Further Reading

1. FABIC. FABIC Ethos and Principles of Client Care.
2. FABIC. How Do I Set Better Boundaries?
3. FABIC. What Is Empathy and Sympathy, and How Do They Differ From Understanding?
4. Makhdum, N. What Is Empathy, and How Do We Increase Our Own Empathy?, FABIC.
5. FABIC. The Body Life Skills Program.
6. FABIC. Mothering or Smothering?
7. Gerace, A. (2018). The Power of Empathy, Australian Psychological Society.
8. Australian Psychological Society. (2025). Tips to Set and Manage Boundaries With Your Clients.
9. Singer, T., & Klimecki, O. M. (2014). Empathy and Compassion, Current Biology, 24(18), R875–R878.
10. NDIS Quality and Safeguards Commission. NDIS Code of Conduct.
11. NDIS Quality and Safeguards Commission. Behaviour Support and Restrictive Practices.
12. Raising Children Network. Responding to Challenging Behaviour in Your Autistic Child.
13. 1800RESPECT. How to Support Someone Experiencing Domestic and Family Violence.

If you would like support to understand behaviour, strengthen boundaries and build practical skills for lasting change, FABIC’s team is here to help.

BOOK IN WITH FABIC TODAY