Empathy is often described as putting yourself in someone else’s shoes. That is a helpful starting point, but it can miss something important: the shoes are not yours. If we only imagine how we would feel, we can accidentally replace another person’s experience with our own.
Empathy asks us to slow down, become curious and try to understand how life is being experienced by the person in front of us. We may not agree with their choices. We may still need to hold a clear boundary. But we make room to understand before we respond—and we remember that the part of the story we can see may not be the whole picture.
At FABIC, this begins with a core principle: Behaviour is something a person does. It is not who they are. When we separate the person from the behaviour, we can look beyond what is happening on the surface and ask what the behaviour may be communicating, what the person is finding challenging, and what skills or support may be needed.
What Is Empathy?
In simple terms: Empathy is the ability to notice and understand another person’s perspective and emotional experience, then communicate that understanding in a way that is meaningful to them.
An important part of empathy is remembering the difference between ourselves and the other person. We can be present with what someone is experiencing without assuming it is exactly the same as our experience, and without carrying it as though it belongs to us.
Psychology commonly describes empathy through two closely related capacities: perspective-taking, which is trying to understand another person’s point of view, and emotional empathy or empathic concern, which is the emotional response we may have to their experience. In everyday life, a third part matters just as much: whether we communicate and act on that understanding in a way the other person can actually receive.
Three Parts of an Empathic Response
- Understand: What might this situation be like from this person’s point of view?
- Connect: Can I stay present with their emotion without making it about me?
- Respond: How can I show that I have listened and offer support that is useful to this person—including knowing when to speak, act or simply give space?
Understanding without warmth can feel distant. Feeling another person’s distress without perspective or boundaries can become overwhelming. And trying to help without checking our understanding can result in support the person did not ask for or need. Healthy empathy brings understanding, care and an appropriate response together.
What Empathy Is Not
Empathy is sometimes resisted because it is confused with giving in, excusing behaviour or taking responsibility for somebody else. It does not require any of those things.
- Empathy is not agreement. You can understand why a situation feels unfair to someone and still see it differently.
- Empathy is not approval. Understanding why a harmful behaviour happened does not make that behaviour safe or acceptable.
- Empathy is not mind-reading. We offer a possibility, ask and remain willing to be corrected.
- Empathy is not fixing or rescuing. A person may first need to be heard, or they may need support to build their own skills and make their own choices.
- Empathy is not absorbing another person’s emotion. Clear boundaries help us remain available, respectful and useful.
- Empathy is not a performance of concern. When someone is shocked, distressed or overloaded, a large emotional response may give them one more thing to manage. Quiet presence, simple language or practical help may be more supportive.
Empathy and responsibility can exist together: “I can understand that you were overwhelmed, and hitting is still not safe. Let’s work out what happened and what you can do next time.”
Why Does Empathy Matter?
When people feel understood, they are generally more able to remain engaged, communicate honestly and consider a different way forward. In therapeutic relationships, empathy is associated with trust, reduced defensiveness and greater willingness to share. The same principle can strengthen everyday relationships between partners, families, friends, colleagues, educators, carers and support teams.
Empathy is particularly important when we are trying to understand behaviour. If we respond only to what is visible, we may miss the reason the behaviour is occurring. A person who refuses a task, withdraws, raises their voice or leaves the room may be anxious, confused, in pain, overwhelmed by sensory input, worried about getting something wrong, or unsure how to communicate what they need. These are possibilities—not conclusions—which is why curiosity and careful assessment matter.
The FABIC ethos and principles of client care emphasise seeking to understand why behaviour is occurring rather than judging, criticising or labelling the person. This does not remove responsibility. It helps make the response more accurate: instead of only trying to stop a behaviour, we can identify the challenging situation and support the development of new skills.
Why Can Empathy Feel Difficult?
Empathy is a capacity, not a permanent personality setting. Even a deeply caring person may find it harder to access when they are tired, rushed, frightened, angry, repeatedly exposed to conflict, or carrying unresolved experiences of their own.
The state we bring into an interaction matters. When our own foundations are stretched, we may see only the behaviour that is pressing our buttons rather than the person beneath it. Recognising that our capacity is low is not a failure of care; it is useful information that can help us pause, seek support or return to the conversation more steadily.
Our minds also like quick explanations. Labels such as “defiant”, “attention-seeking”, “lazy” or “manipulative” can feel certain, but they often close down curiosity. Once we believe we already know why someone is behaving a certain way, we are less likely to ask what is actually happening for them.
Differences in age, culture, language, disability, neurotype, communication style and life experience can make it harder for two people to read one another accurately. That does not automatically mean either person lacks empathy. It may mean both people need more information, a different communication method or more time.
How Can We Increase Our Own Empathy?
Empathy can be strengthened. A meta-analysis of randomised controlled trials found that empathy training was effective overall, which supports treating empathy as a group of learnable skills rather than something we either have or do not have. The following practices can help us build those skills in daily life.
A pattern across FABIC clinician interviews: Although each practitioner described empathy differently, the same themes kept returning: curiosity without judgement, remembering that the visible story is incomplete, caring for our own state, listening without a pre-set agenda, adapting communication and matching support to the person’s capacity.
1. Notice and Support Your Own State First
It is difficult to become curious about someone else while our own body is preparing to defend, argue or escape. Notice early signs such as a tight jaw, shallow breathing, a racing heart, heat in the face or the urge to interrupt. Also notice the story forming in your mind: What am I feeling? What am I assuming? What part of this is mine? Pause if it is safe to do so. Lower your voice, slow your breathing, feel your feet on the ground or take a brief break before returning to the conversation.
Settling does not mean suppressing your feelings. It gives you enough space to choose your response rather than reacting automatically.
Outside the immediate moment, basic self-care also supports our capacity. Rest, nourishing routines, movement, supportive relationships, reflection and professional supervision can all help us arrive with more steadiness. This is not about being perfectly calm or blaming ourselves when capacity is low. It is about recognising when we need care or support so our distress does not take over the interaction.
2. Describe What Happened Without Turning It Into a Label
Try to separate what you observed from the story you formed about it. “She crossed her arms, looked away and said no” is an observation. “She was being difficult” is an interpretation. “He sent three messages after I did not reply” describes what happened. “He is needy” defines the person.
Clear observation leaves room for more than one explanation. It is also easier to discuss without creating shame or defensiveness.
3. Separate the Person From the Behaviour
A person may use an aggressive behaviour without aggression being who they are. A child may tell a lie without becoming “a liar”. Someone may avoid a task without being lazy. The behaviour still has an impact and may still need to change, but the person’s worth does not rise or fall with each behaviour choice.
This separation protects dignity and makes change more possible. It allows us to address the behaviour directly without reducing the whole person to one difficult moment.
4. Replace Certainty With Curiosity
Instead of deciding that you know the reason, try asking:
- What might this behaviour be communicating?
- What part of this situation might feel difficult, unsafe, confusing or overwhelming?
- What expectation, past experience or sensory demand might be affecting this person?
- Is there a skill the person or support team does not yet have?
- What information would help me understand more accurately?
Curiosity does not require us to invent an explanation. It encourages us to investigate with the person and, where relevant, with their family, carers, clinicians, educators or wider support team.
Assume there may be a bigger picture than the one you can immediately see. The aim is not to explain away behaviour. It is to stop treating the first explanation that comes to mind as a fact.
5. Listen to Understand, Then Check What You Heard
While someone is speaking, notice whether you are listening or preparing your defence. Allow them to finish. Ask one clear question at a time. Give extra processing time where needed, and remember that communication may happen through speech, writing, gesture, behaviour, communication devices or changes in the body.
Try not to force the conversation through a pre-set list of questions. Follow what the person is actually communicating. Silence can be part of listening too: it may give someone time to find words, settle or decide what they want to share. We do not always need to fill it.
Then reflect your understanding tentatively:
- “It sounds like the change happened quickly and you did not feel ready. Have I understood that?”
- “I wonder if the noise made it hard to stay in the room. Is that close, or was it something else?”
- “You seem frustrated, but I do not want to assume. What is happening for you?”
If the person says you have misunderstood, let the correction improve your understanding. Being corrected is not a failed attempt at empathy; refusing the correction is.
6. Imagine Their Experience—Not Your Version of It
“How would I feel in that situation?” can help us begin, but a stronger question is: “Given what I know about this person, how might they be experiencing it?” Their history, body, communication style, beliefs, skills, sensory experience and priorities may be very different from ours.
Perspective-taking works best when imagination remains humble. We form a possibility, not a verdict, and we check it wherever we can.
7. Validate the Experience While Keeping the Boundary
Validation means recognising that an emotion or reaction makes sense within the person’s experience. It does not mean every behaviour that follows is acceptable.
- “I can see you are disappointed. The answer is still no, and I can stay with you while you work through that.”
- “It makes sense that the sudden change felt overwhelming. We still need to leave, so let’s choose what will make the transition easier.”
- “I understand that you are angry. I will listen, and I will not stay in the room while I am being threatened.”
Warmth and clarity are not opposites. A respectful boundary can make an interaction safer and more predictable for everyone.
8. Match Your Response to the Person’s Capacity
Sometimes empathy sounds like a reflective sentence. Sometimes it looks like saying less. A person who is shocked, highly distressed or overloaded may not have capacity for long reassurance, repeated questions or a large emotional reaction from us. Even well-meant concern can become another thing they feel expected to respond to.
Use the smallest response that is genuinely helpful: a calm presence, a simple acknowledgement, extra processing time, practical assistance or space. Where appropriate, ask, “Would it help if I listened, helped you think through options, or gave you some space?” The answer may change from one moment to the next.
9. Turn Understanding Into Useful Support
Empathy is most useful when it improves what happens next. Ask what support would help. Depending on the situation, that may involve breaking a task into smaller steps, using visual information, reducing sensory load, giving more preparation time, offering a limited choice, teaching a communication skill, changing an environmental trigger or agreeing on a safer replacement behaviour.
This reflects FABIC’s focus on understanding the reason for behaviour and building the skills needed for lasting change. Empathy helps us find the right question; practical skills help create a different outcome.
10. Reflect, Seek Feedback and Practise Regularly
After a difficult interaction, ask yourself: What did I assume? What did I learn? When did I stop being curious? Did the other person experience my response as understanding? What could I do differently next time? Listening to people whose experiences differ from ours, inviting honest feedback and noticing our own patterns all strengthen empathy over time.
The aim is not to respond perfectly. It is to become more willing to pause, repair misunderstandings and try again.
It can also help to observe people who consistently leave others feeling understood. Notice how they pace a conversation, ask questions, allow silence, respond to correction and hold boundaries. Empathy can grow through seeing these skills modelled and then practising them in our own way.
What Does Empathy Look Like in a Difficult Moment?
Imagine a child pushes a workbook away and yells, “I’m not doing it!” A purely reactive response might be, “Stop being difficult and get on with it.” A permissive response might remove every expectation without exploring what happened.
An empathic and responsible response could be: “I can see this feels like too much right now. Some work still needs to be done, but first let’s work out what is hard. Is it the amount, the instructions, the noise, or not knowing how to begin? We can choose the first step together.”
This response does not label the child, assume the reason or remove the boundary. It acknowledges the experience, investigates the challenging situation and begins looking for the support or skill that could help.
This is consistent with the FABIC Body Life Skills approach, which begins by identifying the reason for a behaviour and the part of life a person may not yet feel equipped to respond to, then builds the relevant skills.
Empathy and Different Communication Styles
There is no single correct way to show empathy. Some people respond with facial expression and comforting words. Others show care by offering information, solving a practical problem, giving space or returning later. A person’s outward expression is not a reliable measure of how deeply they care.
Someone may care deeply and still be unsure what to say when another person is crying. Support may include learning or agreeing on ways to express care that work for both people, rather than assuming the feeling is absent because the expected response did not appear.
This is especially important when autistic and non-autistic people communicate. Research on the “double empathy problem” suggests that misunderstandings in mixed-neurotype interactions can be mutual: people with different ways of experiencing and communicating may find it harder to read one another. Rather than assuming one person has an empathy deficit, both people can work towards shared understanding and meet each other halfway.
Ask what communication method works best. A person may prefer direct language, written information, visual supports, fewer questions, extra processing time or less sensory input. Empathy means adapting our response to the person in front of us, not requiring them to display understanding in the way we expect.
Frequently Asked Questions About Empathy
Can Empathy Be Learned?
Yes. People differ in their natural sensitivity, life experience, communication style and preferred ways of showing care. Even so, research indicates that empathic processes and responses can be strengthened through training and practice. Listening, perspective-taking, self-reflection, feedback and clear communication are all skills that can improve over time.
What Is the Difference Between Empathy, Sympathy and Compassion?
Definitions vary, but empathy usually refers to understanding or emotionally connecting with another person’s experience. Sympathy is concern for someone, often from a little more distance. Compassion includes a wish to reduce suffering and may move us towards helpful action. In real life they often overlap.
Can You Have Too Much Empathy?
Empathy itself is not the same as becoming emotionally flooded. When we lose the distinction between another person’s feelings and our own, empathic concern can shift into personal distress and make it harder to respond helpfully. Self-awareness, rest, supervision and boundaries support sustainable empathy, especially for carers and professionals.
Does Empathy Excuse Harmful Behaviour?
No. Empathy helps us understand the reason behind a behaviour; it does not erase its impact. We can acknowledge a person’s fear, anger or overwhelm while maintaining safety, boundaries and responsibility for behaviour choices.
Does Autism Mean a Person Lacks Empathy?
No. An autism diagnosis does not tell us how much a person cares or how capable they are of empathy. Autistic people may experience, interpret or express empathy differently, and communication mismatches between autistic and non-autistic people can go both ways. It is more respectful and accurate to learn how the individual communicates than to judge empathy from eye contact, facial expression or a conventional social response.
A Final Thought: Empathy Begins With Curiosity
Empathy is not having the perfect words or always knowing how another person feels. It is the willingness to pause, see the person beneath the behaviour, listen without rushing to judgement, check our understanding and respond in a way that supports dignity, responsibility and growth.
The more we practise that process, the more likely we are to turn difficult moments into opportunities for clearer communication, stronger relationships and lasting behaviour change.
Would You Like Support Understanding Behaviour?
FABIC’s multidisciplinary team supports individuals, families and support communities to understand why behaviour is happening and build practical skills for a different outcome. Learn about FABIC Behaviour Support Practitioners or contact FABIC to discuss the support available in person and through telehealth.
General information only: This article is educational and does not replace individual clinical assessment or advice. If there is an immediate risk to safety, contact the appropriate emergency or crisis service.
References and Further Reading
- FABIC. FABIC Ethos & Principles of Client Care.
- Curtis, T. 3 Simple Steps to Behaviour Change, FABIC.
- Gerace, A. (2018). The Power of Empathy, Australian Psychological Society.
- Teding van Berkhout, E., & Malouff, J. M. (2016). The Efficacy of Empathy Training: A Meta-Analysis of Randomized Controlled Trials, Journal of Counseling Psychology, 63(1), 32–41.
- Lamm, C., Bukowski, H., & Silani, G. (2016). From Shared to Distinct Self–Other Representations in Empathy, Philosophical Transactions of the Royal Society B, 371, 20150083.
- Crompton, C. J., & Fletcher-Watson, S. (2026). Autism Diagnosis and the Double Empathy Problem, The British Journal of Psychiatry, 228(5), 482–483.
If you would like support to better understand behaviour and build practical skills for lasting change, FABIC’s team is here to help.
